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This is from my fortune cookie at Panda Express
today:
Ok, STORY!
A couple of Fridays ago I got into my car after work,
and began the trek home. I had just had a horrible contact day. My
eyes were scratched and red from my ridiculous gas permeable hard
contact lenses. The same lenses have irritated me for ten years.
Over the years I've often felt like Oedipus (not Oedipus in the
mother-marriage thing, but Oedipus in the sense of blinding himself
by jabbing foreign objects into his eyes. So, since it was the end
of the day, I took out my contacts and put my glasses on. Since I
don't see as well with my ancient glasses, I have to tilt them
forward off my ears slightly to give my eyes a viewing space
consisting of slightly thicker glass. |
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| I got a hot chocolate and read a magazine
with the White Stripes as the cover story. In the story the
Stripes emphasized the idea that there is the most creativity
when there are the most limitations. I bought Star Trek
2 on DVD. The chick at the counter actually had a Star
Trek conversation with me. She figures Star Trek 6 is
the best. Very unusual. i always wanted to go to a Star Trek
convention to meet girls. Sure there wouldn't be too many cute
ones - but the cute ones that would be there would be wicked
awesome... I popped in Star Trek 2 and watched the
director's commentary. One thing he emphasized was the most
creativity with the most
limitations. | |
A little ways down the road I coughed up something from my throat.
Naturally, I wanted to get rid of it, but of course I didn't want to spit
it out in the car (I'm pretty messy, but it's more of a clutter mess than
a bodily fluid mess), so I opened the door to spit it out on the road. I
wasn't parked. I was moving, which in itself isn't a problem at all. The
problem arose when my non-anchored glasses gave into the increased
wind-speed as I stuck my head out of the car.
I think a lot of you realize how big of a deal it was when
my glasses flew off my head onto the road while the car was moving. I
probably don't have to explain the horror of it to you people who have
even close to the same vision problems I do. Of course, many of you may
not understand what it's like to be ridiculously nearsighted. Most of you
probably aren't even as nearsighted as I am. I'm so nearsighted, when I
don't have my corrective lenses I can't hear.
Miraculously, I was able to turn on the hazards, floor it in
reverse, travel in a semi-straight line and reach down and grab a grey
blob that was somehow my glasses despite looking exactly the same as every
other object in the world during my condition at this time.
After such an annoying (and life-threatening) day of
non-sight I decided never again! At that exact moment I decided
that as soon as time would allow, I would undergo
LASIK
SURGERY.
Presently I have a May 21 appointment to get my eyes fixed
for good. I'll let everybody know how it goes.
In the meantime, I think I'll ramble about all the other
crap that's wrong with my pathetic, cheap body. Maybe I'll fix all this
other stuff later.
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DEFORESTATION
Baldness is caused by genes or stress or both. I have very little
stress in my life. I've made my life that way on purpose so I won't
go bald. Of course my heredity has kicked in and now I'm starting to
go bald. The really bad part of this is that going bald is stressful
in itself so you can see the chain-reaction on its way. |
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REFORESTATION
I guess I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not bald over my
whole body. Wait, no, I can't take comfort in that fact. |
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EYE AM SO VEIN
Last time I went to the optometrist (before I decided on the
surgery), he told me he was slightly concerned with my "eye veins."
Up until then, I thought they brought me character, but now they're
just another thing to stress out about. They also help people to
mistakenly suppose that I'm a drug addict. |
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WIRE YOU HERE?
The area underneath permanent retainers is a great place to start
new bacteria colonies. They're pretty much immune to any kind of
toothbrush. |
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THE BIG Cs
One reason I'm so thin is because I always have at least one
canker in my mouth. |
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HOLY MOLEY
Could someone please tell me what moles are? Are they arterial
outgrowths? Are they mutated skin? Do I want to know, 'cuz I have a
bunch of 'em! The Chinese say that it's good luck for hair to grow
out of moles. I'll take what I can get. |
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SINISTER WRIST
I broke my left wrist in 7th grade. Since then it's healed
slightly crooked and cracks every five minutes. |
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THAT'S SO CUTICLE!
You can't tell here, but my cuticles often bleed. I was thinking
about making them bleed on purpose, but just trust me. |
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NINE NANOMETER NAILS
The one thing in my life I don't remember is when I got into the
habit of whittling my nails down when I get anxious or bored. I'm
anxious or bored 99% of the time. |
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HERE'S WHERE MY OLD HERNIA SCAR IS
I'll spare the visual details, but I'll vividly descsribe it. It
looks like a line. |
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TOE-RIFFIC
Somehow I didn't get infected by the coral I cut myself on when I
snorkeled the Red Sea a few years ago. Strangely on that same day I
remember ripping off my pinkie toenail in its entirety that day. My
fourth toenail also came off later. They grow back weird. |
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ME SO CORNY
Whatever these things are, they're hard to stand on
sometimes. |
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SHELOB IN DA HIZZY!
I think this is the remains of a spider bite. It really itched
for a while. Spiders like to bite me I think because I stopped
killing them a few years ago and they see that as a sign of
weakness. |
(30apr04) |
