Amazing survival stories

WHO CHEATED DEATH?
(was it Jon, Pete, J.R., or Jake)
*STORY 1.*
One time I was in the basement minding my own business when all of the sudden an Anvil fell on my head. I know you've heard of aliens and crop fields and the Sasquatch but, this is real, my best friend witnessed it firsthand.
My best friend had this to say, "I was stunned at first because this Anvil just appeared out of nowhere and hit him right square on the head, I'm sure that if there was a target or something pasted on the top of his head that it would have been a 'bullseye'. That's not the most impressive part though, after the Anvil fell on his head (with a hearty audible thud I might add), it just rolled off the side of his head and (this is the most incredible part) after that he just stood up and said, "I'm hungry, what time is it?". As you can imagine I was flabergasted because we had just finished eating an entire 55 gallon drum of Butterscotch pudding only minutes before this whole ordeal. I mean how could he have still been hungry? That's a lot of pudding even for him!"

*STORY 2.*
One time we were late for this movie(i think the movie was 'Captian Ron' so you can imagine the rush that we were in!)
and we were running through the parking lot of Movies 8 bobbing and weaving inbetween cars. I am really good at bobbing and weaving inbetween stuff because I've seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' at least twice. Anyway I saw these two cars that were parked really close together but, I didn't stop to think that the side view mirrors were at crotch level and that this could be a potentially hazerdous situation. So I am running at about 74 mph when bam, my crotch collided with one of the side-view mirrors(guys will appreciate the hilarious visual). This is the amazing part so I will describe it in slow-motion.
I screamed noooooooo(slow motion), I clutched my package(slow motion),I went down on my knees(slow motion), I looked down at my package(slow motion), I looked up and smiled(slow motion), I screamed yessssssss(slow motion). Now back to regular speed. I looked back at the side-view mirror to see if it was still attached to the car(with the speed I was going at I was surprized that the mirror and the car had not just vaporized!). It was still attached but how was that possible?(remember I was running at close to sub-mach speed). I went to examine the mirror and to my excitement(and my package's) I found that the side-view mirror was fastened by a flexible hinge. So it was comparible to my package hitting a swinging saloon style door. If it would have been any other side-view mirror then I would probably still be hunched over as a lifeless heap in the Movies 8 parking lot.
My friends who witnessed this incredible feat of survival first hand had these words to say, "Incredible!","Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!","Hurry we don't want to miss the previews!",and "Good thing you always wear a cup".