i got so cold it made me want to cry

This page was last updated on Thursday, 4 March, 2004

notice: the sponsors and board links are now up!

features

home

spirits and hypocrisy

Before I say anything else, I just wanna give some deserved props to my cutie pal, Erin. After I did the usual Valentine's Day rant, Erin and I actually spent the holiday together and had a really fabulous time. I should've mentioned her as long as i was mentioning Valentine's Day. I wasn't lying when I said I'd spent the last 26 alone. I guess mentioning her would've taken away some of the bitterness associated with the holiday. Well, Erin, thanks for taking away some of the bitterness!

The girl is actually a pretty decent photographer (and book binder and mural artist), so if you want her to do a wedding or something, um... let me know I guess. I haven't asked her if I could put her number on my site yet. Well, maybe in the future. In the meantime, I'm gonna put a link to some of her photographs in the sponsors section.

anyway...

flashback:

27 February 2003

26 Candles. I figured I wouldn't plan anything for my birthday so that I'd get depressed without actually excerting much effort.

...i got so old i felt like i could die

I'm old. I'll be older on Friday -- my birthday. My golden birthday. Turning 27 on February 27. Yes, I know. This is where you say, "C'mon! 27 is not old. Don't even think about calling yourself old yet! You don't even seem old! You're totally young!" I know. I realized that before you even said it. I agree completely, which is strangely why I feel so old.

I still love cartoons. I watch them all the time. I've never worried about outgrowing them, in fact for a while i wanted to create my own. I still dabble in video games. Whenever I get together with people I'm not interested in catching up, I just wanna play board games with them. I'm still pretty shy around girls. These are traits of a 13-year-old kid. I feel 13. But do I feel young? Not at all.

I'm starting to realize that getting old isn't just about having your kidneys fail or taking naps or forgetting things. Getting old is feeling young, despite age. I could act young for the rest of my life, but it wouldn't change my age.

I feel old because most of my friends my age are married. I feel old because people who were 14 years old when I was 22 are now more mature than I am. I feel old because the freshman girls I mentored in college are having children. I feel old because when it gets just a little warmer, I'm going to put on my Skechers roller skates and skate through the sidewalk fountains at the Gateway Mall.

The people my age are busy toiling with life. The people younger than me are through being kids too. The people younger than that, kids these days, like Hoobastank and Jerry Bruckheimer movies. I feel like a kid, but I can't relate to kids. I can't relate to my own peers.

I'm old because I'm 13 inside, but I'm literally nearly 27. I'm old because I don't belong anywhere. I'm old because life is going faster and faster and it's passing me by and i'm closer to being 50 than an infant, but I still feel like a little kid in the middle of everything. I'm so old because I'm so young. I don't think i'll change, though.

However...
my birthday is on Friday. If you're reading this, I wouldn't mind receiving something from you. As long as I'm talking, here are a few ideas:

video:	Seasons of MASH, Simpsons and Transformers are all on DVD right now. I have a bad feeling that MASH is going to stop airing on broadcast television soon, so I wanna stock up on some of the best episodes. Also cartoons and sci-fi are pretty nice
games:	I own a Playstation 2. There's a game I kind of want called Karaoke Revolution (I think!). It's where you karaoke a song and then the Playstation actually judges how well you sing! I hear it's pretty fun. Also, although I said I feel like a 13-year-old boy, I'm physically older than 17, so don't hesitate to buy me a game that's rated "M."
clothing:	Right now I'm looking for a good brownish long sleeve tee to go with my new shoes. Other hip clothes are fine, but I don't wear baseball hats. My shirt size is medium. My pants size is 30". My shoe size is 8.5 (U.S.A.). Also if you can find a decent pin-stripe polyester suit, I'd like one of those. NO fur or leather for these clothing products please.
food:	Gift certificates to just about any Asian-style food would work fabulously. I also consume a lot of Ho-Hos and Oreos when I'm at home.
software:	Adobe Premiere is the movie editing program that I'd like to get my hands on.
music:	lets see: cd's I've thought about getting, but haven't purchased yet: the White Stripes' self titled, Fever to Tell by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that Postal Service cd, the new O.C. soundtrack, maybe some old school jazz.
literature:	comic books (the funny ones and the graphic novel ones) are always totally bonus. Sci-fi usually works. I wouldn't mind reading a romantic novel. History books are cool if they have lots of war pictures. Obviously, some web-design help books would see some use :)
misc:	Some nice aftershave. The guy's stuff at Victoria's Secret might be cool. It's sort of pricey. Oh, it can't be the aftershave gel. Since I actually still have facial hair, I need it to be aftershave splash.
cash:	Any amount.

thanks!

(24feb04)